The Light Roller – Death by the T20 league? It’s real, it’s coming

Sometimes it looks like cricket administrators have seen that scene of A clockwork orangewhere Malcolm McDowell’s character is tied to a chair and forced to watch reels of footage against his will, and thought, “Yeah, that’s a great way to promote our product.” Don’t adjust your eyeballs, basically.
What concerns us this month is not so much the potential death of a format, which made our shorter and less punctual cousin, the Briefing, recently surpass all Arthur Schopenhauer, but the relentless proliferation of ‘another. Along with the climate emergency, looming energy shortages, rising authoritarianism and global economic collapse, scientists have now identified a glut of T20 leagues as the latest threat to life on earth.

Suddenly, they’re popping up everywhere, inflicting strategic timeouts and Danny Morrison on unsuspecting populations around the world. Soon the major leagues will have to start creating windows within windows to allow their T20 competition space to grow, with players floating from auction to auction like buddies thrown overboard. If you’re fit and fit good health and you know how to hold a bat, you may find that you have already been entered for a draft which will be held soon in Nepal or the Maldives.

It’s a lot to follow, but fear not. The Light Roller is here with a handy overview of all officially sanctioned T20 leagues currently in operation (only some of which have been made up).

Indian Premier League
Big Daddy Cash. Next to playing for your country, there is no greater honor than telling the board that you need an NOC for the IPL. Who are we laughing at ? There is no greater honor, period.

Big Bash League
Used to be cool, now considered a buzzkill. He probably jumped on the shark back when they introduced “Bash Boost”.

Caribbean Premier League
Annual tourism promotion on the theme of cricket. Four weeks drinking rum punch by the pool, with the possibility of starring in a Chris Gayle music video.

the hundred
Part of the ECB’s grand vision to inspire a generation of crunchy lovers. Simplified version of the game but also much more confusing. Not really T20, but still officially T20.

Lanka Premier League

Pop-up event usually called with less than a month’s notice. The registration fee includes a free coupon for a meal (starter + main course) at the crab ministry.

Super Smash
Sustainable, kid friendly, ethically sourced. But in the wrong time zone so nobody cares.

International League T20

A shameless company that seeks to make money and wants to make mercenaries of us all. Everything other leagues aspire to, basically.

AssetT20 (24)
Tax fiddling aimed at bringing in campaign funds for the 2024 US presidential elections. High chance of being raided by feds.

Crimean Premier League
Legitimate business enterprise established by a self-determined, self-governing nation-state, and in no way a sports-washing exercise. Nyet.

T20 International Space Station
Fact-finding mission to determine if alien lifeforms have heard of Reliance Industries. Zero gravity, zero cap on foreign players [That’s enough T20 leagues now – Ed].

Shakib Al Hasan involved in a new controversy, you say? Yes, we could all do with fresh material. But wait, because that might be his meisterwerk. First, Shakib tweets about his new promotional link with Betwinner News. Surely it has nothing to do with betting, you think. From a player who recently served a suspension for corruption. In a country where gambling is illegal. News were more than happy to clear things up, posting this entirely plausible disclaimer online: “Warning! For the avoidance of doubt, this site has no connection with betting or gambling activities! It This is a sports news portal only! If you have visited this site to search for betting or gambling opportunities, please leave now!” Yet, after being told it was his career in Bangladesh or his bet/no bet, Shakib pulled out of the deal… and was soon named captain of the T20 team for the Asian Cup. Which, come to think of it, is probably punishment enough.

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